Abuse It and Lose it

I vowed I would stay out of it. Since everyone took sides on February 9 – namely the side of the attacked, condemning the attacker – I felt I did not need to say anything. Instead, I kept my mouth shut. While I sat back and took it all in, celebrity after celebrity after celebrity after celebrity quickly ran to the defense of Rihanna and saw her as the “victim” while labeling Chris Brown as the “bad guy.” I waited to see how many celebrities would be peer-pressured into saying something one way or another. Waited to see which personality would be next to bash Chris Brown. To see how emotions influenced people to rush to judgments without getting the entire story and hearing all sides.
So I waited and my opportunity presented itself when Larry King was given the first Chris Brown interview. In has knack for pushing the issue, Larry King tried to get Chris Brown to tell what happened for the sake of his audience who wanted to know the truth from the mouths of the parties involved. However, Chris Brown was not very forthcoming with information about what transpired that night. That is completely understandable. He did not want to share his side of the story without Rihanna.

Nevertheless, in granting Larry King the first interview he has a responsibility to discuss it, how he felt, what he did and why he did it. Owning up to his actions is one thing, opening up and discussing his encounter for those who have never experienced how horrific domestic violence is is another.

The reason – not the excuse – this happened to Chris Brown is because he was part of the generational curse that is domestic violence. On the November 16, 2007 Tyra Banks Show, Chris Brown expressed how witnessing his mother’s abuse at the hands of his stepfather effected him.

Chris Brown: Basically, like, I know some people in their family go through it, domestic violence and stuff like that. I had, I don’t want to mention the person’s name, but somebody hurt my mom and me having to deal with that from the age of 7 to like 13. Me seeing that, being visual abused by that.
Tyra Banks: And how did it affect you?
Brown: It affected me, especially toward women, I treat them differently because I don't want to go through or put a woman through the same thing that person put my mom through. And it’s not my father, not my real father, my father’s my dad. Hey pop, what up? For the most part it changed me. I mean now that I’ve got older I’ve realized how to overcome stuff and being out there, showing off like on stage and being myself, but I was always scared and timid.
Banks: There’s something that I know and I want to talk about and hopefully it’s ok, that you were so scared some times and hurting you would go to bed at night and do what?
Brown: Pee in the bed. I used to pee in the bed! I used to be scared, I used to pee in the bed. But everybody peed in the bed. One of my friends peed in the bed ‘til he was 14.
Banks: But on a serious note, do you think you were doing that because of what was going on in the house?
Brown: I think it was me being nervous, scared to even get up and see what was going on. My mom always used to hide it from me and my sister.
Banks: Did you ever talk to you mom about it?
Brown: All the time. When a woman’s in love, [people] always say, “How can you do that?” But I guess when a woman’s in love she doesn’t look at it like that.
Banks: Why don’t you talk to a lot of people right now that are going through that and what can you tell them if their mother is going domestic violence and they’re scared and they feel helpless?
Brown: That’s hard. I think just try to overcome it. Pray. What I did I prayed all the time, the Bible under the pillow. For the most part I would say if anybody is going through it try and deal with it. Talk it out.

Tyra Banks Show

His advice is sound, but people need to realize that this issue has deep seeded ramifications which may require years of healing. People still might not be totally on board with the whole Chris Brown apology not fully understanding that he still could be recovering and it is difficult talking about his first-hand experiences of domestic violence.

For those who did see his interview with Tyra, when they heard about his action there had to be some surprised. Victims who have lived through domestic violence, when left to their own devices are bound to either be an abuser or a victim of domestic violence. Sadly, Chris Brown repeated the cycle as an abuser. If being surprised was not enough, there are the selected few who did not flinch. Chris Brown’s ex-stepfather – though saying he never raised his hand to Chris Brown’s mother – said he was not at all shocked by the news.
The way I see it: both Chris Brown and Rihanna were victims. What looked like an issue of celebrity turmoil – boy beats girl, boy is in the wrong – is actually a social epidemic affecting celebrities and common citizens alike. That is why I hate the sayings, “Treat other the same way you would like to be treated” and "Give people the same respect you would want them to give you."
Respect is such an abstract ideal that is fundamentally flawed. My universal truth about “respect” may differ from that of a person whose universal truth of “respect” was shaped by an their treatment in an abusive household. We cannot say what “respect” is if everybody has experienced it differently. It is like Americans thinking that wealth and happiness is the abundance of money and possession when a person in an underdeveloped country could define wealth as a healthy family and happiness as a laughing – not crying – babies. People should not ignorantly assume that everyone has and will be treated and respected the same.
Regardless of their decision to stay together and no matter what they accomplish individually in the careers, both Chris Brown and Robyn Rihanna Fenty will forever be together in the pages of history as the “Ike and Tina Turner” of the 21st Century.

Those asterisks baseball was going to use for steroid players who break records, should be used to accompany their story. With steroids, players attempt to gain some control of a volatile situation (their bodies aging, slow recovery of injures, etc) in order to have better odds of success. With Chris Brown and Rihanna, they are part of a volatile generation with the deck already stacked against them and they are missing the tools they need to attempt to assume some control. Hence the asterisk.

They should not be the sole ones responsible for what happened. We, as a society, should take some of the blame especially when their issue has been reduced to a one-liners. Men – myself included – have joked to women saying, “Keep playing and I’m gonna Chris Brown you!”

Until we take domestic violence seriously and have the courage to make changes, news out of San Diego – Chargers’ Linebacker Shawne Merriman arrested for battery and false imprisonment and both sides have their own version of the story: Merriman saying he was trying to stop a friend from driving while inebriated and Tila Tequila claims that is impossible because she is allergic to alcohol and cannot drink – or worse will continue to happen.